Sacred Contracts

I don't often tell people details of the story of when I first found out I was pregnant.  But, here I am writing this blog and practicing transparency... ;) I was meditating; my body relaxed and seated in a classic meditation posture.  With my eyes closed, I saw open, clear blue sky, a sky that appeared limitless.  Then, unexpectedly, my gaze took me beyond the blue sky to a vast black sky.   In the black sky, I noticed a line of what I can most accurately describe as stars.  The stars didn't appear as still as they do in my normal waking state.  They seemed more alive, animated, like excited little sparkly spirits.

There was one of these stars that I started to feel a particular affiliation with.  My gaze rested on the star for a moment and in that moment there seemed to be some kind of communication and agreement, that the star wanted to be with me and that I accept.  It just happened.  No planning, no clue, just two sparks in the universe having a moment of noticing each other.

I opened my eyes and even though this was the furthest thing from my mind, I had the feeling that I am pregnant.  I left the meditation room, grabbed car keys, drove to the nearest pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test.  I could not wait till I got home so I stopped at the nearest bathroom I could find.  The result; positive.

When I see Mila with her Dad, her Grandparents, her cousins, it is clear to me that she feels a strong heart connection with close family.  With humility, I feel confident to say that she chose us.  And, her Father and I - though it may have been subconscious - chose and agreed on some level to be hers.  A sacred contract exists between us and it is a thing I am most grateful for in my life.

After going to my high school reunion this past weekend, it feels obvious that it is beyond random that I had the friends that I had.  There was a reason I gravitated towards certain people, and them to me.  And, when I see my childhood friends with their spouses and children and hear of their careers and homes, it is clear that each connection bears a sacred contract.  Sacred contracts between friends, lovers, children and sacred contracts between people and certain parts of the earth where we are drawn to spend time in.

Whether it is a twenty year friendship, a lifetime relationship with parents, a spouse, a child or even a ten minute interaction with another person, animal or part of nature, is there really any interaction with life that does not hold a sacred contract? Realizing that it all does inspires me to slow down, be more present, be a better listener and communicator and honor every moment I have with every being I encounter.

Whether I have time to sit on a meditation cushion or not during these days of mothering, I aspire to carry the meditation techniques I have learned into my daily activities and cultivate the ability to stay present, notice my surroundings, and be receptive to the abundance that is.

Infinite Gratitude to You,

Reema

Connection

I am on a plane returning home from my first trip away from Mila and I am so excited to hug her and be close to her and Ryan again.  I cannot wait (!!!)   I have also realized on this trip how much I have been disconnected from myself over the past couple years.  Mila is 2 years old  and she and Ryan have been my world since I was pregnant.  They have been my priority completely - their health, happiness, our togetherness.  I loved and gave them so much that I don't even know when I started to neglect myself.

I have been aware over the past year or so that it has been hard for me to stay connected to my heart and body and my power as I have been focused so much on giving.   If I had not gone on this trip, I would not have noticed just how much I have distanced myself from who I am beyond the roles of mother and partner.

I love my family and I love giving myself to them too.  Having a family is my favorite part of my life.  I do not want to give to them from a place where I am depleted and lacking nourishment.  I want to give from a place where I am full of vibrant energy, nurtured, grounded, healthy, and connected to my heart and body.

It is my responsibility to create this space for myself.  I can be better at asking for what I need, asking for help, prioritizing self-care.

I say "yes" to myself - to love, nurture and care for myself as much as I love, nurture and care for my family.  

It is difficult with a small child.  But, everything is possible.  I will create space to explore all the parts of myself and depend on no one else to.

After all, what am I going to teach Mila?  That I had a baby and let go of all my other dreams?  Forgot who I am beyond the role of mother, partner, daughter, sister?

No.  I teach her that I had a baby that I love and adore with all my heart and I still lived my life true to myself -true to all the parts of me - a me beyond the roles of mother and partner, a me that I make time to continue to explore and get to know while I embrace my family and give to them whole-heartedly.  It is not easy at all to make this space.  But, I love myself enough to do everything I can to make it happen.

As much as I love my family, I will not lose myself for them.  I will take time to care for myself, connect with myself, make space to get to know, embrace, express and create all the parts of myself. 

I am not willing to lose myself in my relationships with anyone but to give myself from a place where I am deeply rooted and connected with my heart and body.

I recognize that men/fathers must also take time to nourish themselves as they give so much too.  I don't know about others, but, I know for me, it has been harder for me than Ryan to allow myself time for myself.  When Ryan has free time, he exercises, plays sports, does yoga, goes rock-climbing,  all the things that nurture him.  When I have free time, I often cook a meal or plan something for the family to do together.  This is okay, because sometimes a part of me truly wants to do these things.  And, I am beginning to see that a part of me is also conditioned to do these things.

Recognizing the conditioning, I am okay with it and I also want to move beyond it.  If at the depths of my heart, I would rather go for a run or a swim or a yoga class than cook dinner, then I want to have the awareness and love for myself to do that.

I write this with compassion for all mothers, fathers, children.  I don't know if finding the perfect balance is possible.  Time with family together, time with Ryan, time with myself.  It is all important and it is all difficult to make happen.  Though the perfect balance may or may not come, what I do have control over is my compassion for myself and my family, my ability to listen without judgement to Ryan's needs, Mila's needs, my own needs, to do my best at loving them while also loving myself.

The Buddha taught equanimity; to love all beings with equal intensity.  May we remember to love ourselves.  We are one of the beings the Buddha was talking about ;)

Thank you for joining.

With love

Reema

Separation

This morning I got on a flight to go to Hawaii for 7 nights and 8 days.  It is my first trip away from Mila.  Though she is 2 years and five months old, to me she has been alive since the moment I found out I was pregnant.  For the past 3 years and two months, we have been intimately connected.  She has either been inside my belly, on my chest or by my side.  This closeness has no parallel that I know of. On the first leg of my flight from Portland to Seattle, I could not hold the tears back.  Could I survive this many days without holding her close, putting my lips on her cheeks, hearing her voice, feeling her sweet, loving, open, high vibration.  "I can always change my return ticket and come back early," I comforted myself.

Aware of the attachment I have to her, I let myself feel it.  "Your every emotion is valid," I could hear one of my teachers, Lee Joseph's words echo back to me.  Be with the felt sensation and then watch it change.

There is a tendency, especially in spiritual lingo, to label some emotions as positive and others as negative, to prefer one type of emotion over another, instead of letting ourselves simply be with whatever arises.  It is in the being, that we feel the fullness of life in all of its forms.  It is in the being that we experience the fullness of ourselves.

If the emotion or sensation is a tough one, we can feel the relief when it changes.  If the thought or feeling is a great one, we can also know that it will change and be okay with that too.  All experiences hold information from which we can learn about ourselves, realize what is important to us and where we want to place our precious energy.  If we resist feeling what we are feeling, we miss the richness of life and the wisdom that lies within and between each experience.

Today on the plane, I let myself feel the attachment and the pangs of pain to be far from her.  I felt the tightness behind my heart and let the tears roll down my cheeks.  And, then in a flash and completely unexpectantly, my heart softened and swelled with immense gratitude.  Gratitude that she exists.  Gratitude that I have had this intimate time with her.  Gratitude to Ryan for co-creating her and continuing to surround her with his exquisite fatherly love.

Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.  And, it felt so good.   If I had denied myself the feelings of  attachment and the pain of separation, if I had judged myself and blocked those feelings, would I have come to this other side of sweet gratitude, soft, open loving heart?

Being far from her even for a few hours, I realize more about her incredible energy.   She is love.  To be around her is healing. When I am present with her, she brings my vibration higher.  She is a healer.  So open and joyful, bursting with life, pure energy, effortlessly loving, forgiving, present, alive.

I feel inspired to return home and be more present with her, more grateful, let her work her magic on me.  If she heals me and brings my vibration higher, than I can do the same to the people around me.  As physicists and spiritual practitioners know, our energies affect one another.

I am so thankful I had two solid years with her.  I am thankful I didn't rush back to full-time work and had the luxury not to have to.  Of course, there have been moments in the past two years that have been very tough, exhausting and frustrating and I have felt like I was going to lose my marbles.   I also feel incredibly grateful that I have had this precious time with a being who is love, forgiveness, joy, presence, - all the things I strive to be through my yoga practice.

If I have had much less time on a mat doing asana and meditation, so be it.  Personal time with a being whose vibration is as high as Mila's and I imagine all children's is unparallel to the work I could do on a yoga mat or a meditation cushion.

I appreciate more the role of a teacher and why serving a teacher is such an incredible gift and a vital part of the yogic path.  The appearance is that we are "serving" a teacher.  But, the reality is that while "serving" we are getting the chance to spend time with a being whose vibration is higher than ours.  This experience is invaluable.

What if we lived in a society that supported mothers to stay home with their children for the first two years, if that is what the mother wants?  And, that supported us to do that both emotionally and financially? I don't feel like I had that support.  I know this is not for everyone, but, we can at least be open to supporting those mothers for whom it is for.  What would such a society look like?  What if fathers received more maternity leave too?  If we allow children to raise our vibration then won't it affect the rest of our families, our community, the world?

In the question,

Namaste,

Reema

Integrity

Ryan took Mila to a music class today and felt passionately against what was being taught. "Criss-cross applesauce," the teacher told Mila, "don't sit like that, cross your legs." Why did the teacher say that? Mila was sitting in virasana, hero pose. That is perfect. That is what she chose to do in the moment. That is what her body guided her to do. And, we, the adult, the teacher, society, think we know better. We instill seeds in her young mind to not follow the wisdom of her body.  ah!

May we be sensitive to the ways we begin to turn our children away from their nature. I would like to catch myself in these moments.  The Celtic philosophers say "to be spiritual is to be in rhythm." Here we are, adult yogis and spiritual aspirants around the world, doing practices to get back into our natural rhythm. May we be aware of how we get off of our rhythms in the first place and how we move our children away from theirs.

The key - not only to our health - but to our ability to thrive and lead meaningful lives, is to stay connected to the wisdom within. May we not turn our children away from theirs. May we encourage them to believe in their inner guidance. May our words and actions not lead them to grow up insecure, confused and to follow outer authority rather than follow their heart's inclinations.  "The teacher is within," says the Buddha.  The only authority of your life is yourself.  May we teach our children that they are perfect as they are and encourage them to move through life with integrity.

Seeing a child move with freedom can inspire us to look at our own lives.  The timeless wisdom of the Bhagavad Gita encourages us to ask ourselves: is our outer life (svadharma) a refection of our inner world (svabhaga)?  Are we living with integrity?  The Gita teaches us that submission to external authority can move us away from self-integrity.  The yoga teachings encourage us to develop our inner nature, relate to the world in ever new ways and thus grow into freedom where the integrity of the self is never compromised.

"Live not by the discipline of external authority, but the discipline of listening inwards." - Bhagavad Gita

Inquiries to explore:

• What external authority do you submit to?  Who do you give away your power to?  A specific person?  A culture?  A society?  Media?
• What can you do so that your outer life is a clearer reflection of your inner world?
• What do you do, say and think that does not honor your or other children's innate wisdom and perfection?  (No judgement here, we are all a product of so much outside influence...the purpose of these inquiries is not to judge ourselves or others, but to cultivate awareness.)
• What do we do as a society that does not nurture our children's innate wisdom?

Thank you for joining,

Reema

The Great Mother Spirit

I experience the Great Spirit as a Goddess. The Mother of all Mothers. The Creator; she gives Life and She also takes it. I feel Her energy as exquisite Love. I see Her form as formless; countless shapes, sizes, colors, textures; all encompassed by radiant light. We all come from Her. And, we all go back to Her. She is Life and She is Death. When I remember Her Love, when I take time to connect with Her, even the fear of Death lessens. Even the sadness of those who have passed, decreases.

When I remember that my daughter came from Her light, my ego softens. When I understand how powerful and enormous She is, my ego is obliterated. My daughter, not even two years old, is still close to Her. When she cries for me, she is crying for Her. My ego gone, I begin to see that I am a part of Her. She lives inside me. My daughter recognizes Her in me, and I am honored.

I am honored that this Great Spirit gave me life, gave my daughter life, gave my Mother life. She gave all beings Life. It is easier for me to see and love all life forms as my Sisters and Brothers as I remember the Great Spirit Mother from which we all come. This awareness powers my love to flow towards all.

I know the only way to stay close to Her is to love all life. Forgive, Understand, Give. Be Spacious in my Heart. When I am Love, I am with Her.

If I can see and be Love even in the most difficult, hurtful moments, I stay with Her. When the lines dissolve between Her, me, every life form, there is peace, understanding, a platform to live life fully, merge meaningfully with the Her in every person, plant, drop of water, wisp of air.

Identifying myself and all beings as a part of the Great Spirit makes life much more interesting and rich than identifying with the little, ego "me," apparently separate from all else, apparently "doing" "feeling" "living" on my own.

In the Upanisads, one of the oldest known texts on yoga, it is said, "if you think the Deity is one and you another, you do not know."

PureLight

Allowing a break

Thank you for welcoming me Yoga Pearl

I took it very easy on my physical yoga practice while pregnant and during Mila's first year.  When I recently told a friend that I had a hard time finding the time and energy to practice asana the first year, she laughed and said, "I barely brushed my teeth the first year!" "Yes," I thought, "I like this mama.  She is so real!"

After that first year, I imagined it would be hard to practice asana at the level I had been, but, it came back pretty fast.  I remember the words of one of my teacher's Larry Schultz: "Watch things appear.  Watch them disappear.   Watch them reappear."   I am glad I allowed myself a significant break during pregnancy, the first year and even now when I need it.  I also feel great to be practicing strong again and am very happy to be teaching advanced, dynamic vinyasa again.  Thank you, Yoga Pearl, for welcoming me to your family and featuring me in your current newsletter...

Your bodies do not know that you are separate

“Your bodies do not know that you are separate”-Kim Luchau, Cranial Sacral Therapist, Kauai, HI

When Mila, my daughter, was four and a half months old, she was having a lot of problems with constipation.  Ryan and I tried every remedy suggested to us.  The problem continued so we took Mila to a cranial sacral therapist who specializes in working with babies.

The therapist, Kim Luchau, held Mila in her arms while Ryan and I sat in the room.  She touched Mila with extraordinary sensitivity and awareness.  Her hands followed Mila’s movements.  Her breath and energy linked with Mila’s.  She understood Mila had something to express, and she listened.   For about twenty minutes Kim connected to Mila in this way.  I watched with awe.

Kim then placed Mila in my arms and said to me, “I want to work on you.  Please lie down.  You can continue to hold Mila.”  She placed her hands gently behind my neck and was quiet, still, listening.  After a few minutes of silence, she asked me, “how are you?”   Tears welled up in my eyes.

“I am tired,” I said.  “We just moved to Hawaii when Mila was three months old.  We stayed at a friend’s house for one month and just moved into our own home a few days ago.  I have been worried about my health.  I have mastitis, and it is taking a while to clear.  Ryan is busy with work.  I have no family here.”  I had a hard time holding back the tears.

“It is you that needs to be nurtured,” said Kim.  “Mila feels you.  Your bodies do not know that you are separate.”

Kim’s words echoed in my mind for weeks: Our bodies do not know that we are separate. How beautiful.  In other words, “Our bodies know that we are One.”  I have to take better care of myself to create balance and harmony in Mila's life, I thought.  It is so easy for mothers and fathers to neglect nurturing themselves when caring for a baby.  The experience with Kim was a big reminder of how much our energies affect one another.

The practice of Yoga is designed to open the mind, body and heart to realize this truth directly: “We are One.  We are linked.  Our energies affect one another.”  If we all had a realization of our Oneness with life we would naturally be drawn to loving ourselves and others.   We would be free of the pain that comes from harming and disconnecting with life.

Legendary dancer, Gabriel Roth eloquently said, “We all share the wound of fragmentation.  And we can all share in the cure of unification.”  Yoga and all spiritual practices are designed to bring us back to our essence, which is inseparable from all of life.  The Pre-Polynesian Hawaiians had one law, “We are One.”   Western scientists agree that all of life is interconnected.  The Buddha taught, “Live for the welfare of all beings.  There is no separation between you and another.”

Mila was born with this wisdom as I am sure all babies are.   Mila does not recognize me as separate from herself.  Our bodies are linked.  It is innate, raw truth.  Then the circle around mother and baby widens and Papa comes in, becoming one with us too.   From there, the circle can expand further.  More and more beings become one with Mila; grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunts, friends, pets, flowers, plants, lakes, sand, earth. How amazing if Mila’s life were to be like this; her heart expanding to unite with more and more life.

The words of one of my teachers, Geshe Michael Roach, echo in my mind: “How big do you want to be?  Take the divider between you and other people and put it around you." Include more beings into the circle and see them all as extensions of you.   Expand the definition of 'you' to include all beings.   This is the state of Yoga; union of mind, body and heart as well as union with all of life.

When the population of people that you love increases a little bit everyday, you know that you are progressing on your path, says one of my other teachers, Winston McCollough.  We have practices like yoga to bring us back to the wisdom that we were born with.

I hope that Mila can stay with this wisdom and that her generation experiences the wounds of fragmentation less.  In today’s society, as we “grow up” sometimes I feel like we grow more separate from each other rather than united.  May our consciousness evolve to change this pattern.  Even if distance separates us, may we nurture our connections and live lives that unite us with ever increasing depth.

What can we do in our parenting to share in the cure of unification and avoid the wounds of separation?  How can we nurture our children’s innate wisdom of love and connection?

Thank you for joining me.

Namaste, Reema

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Birth: Fear to Bliss

 “It is in giving that we receive.”

-St. Francis of Assisi

The first time I fully realized the truth of St. Francis’s words was soon after I gave birth.  As much yoga and meditation as I have done in my life, I had never felt so high as I did the moments and days following Mila’s birth.  The high vibration imbued with the bliss and love that I felt was extraordinary.

After a woman gives birth naturally, her body secretes high levels of oxytocin from the pituitary gland (same location as the third eye).  Breastfeeding induces further oxytocin surges.  Often called "the love hormone," oxytocin relaxes the mother and induces feelings of love and nurturing.

To experience a love and joy like this was far greater than anything I had experienced before.   Ironically, Yoga is the Path to Bliss.  And Love is the road to get there.  In a world where everything is transitory, the bliss that yogis speak of is a happiness that is stable and reliable.  It can only be found inside, and it is only available in the present moment.

Due to the release of oxytocin, I receive a wave of love and relaxation each time I breastfeed Mila.  Granted, I do not always feel this in moments of absolute exhaustion.   Relaxation and Love are the foundations of yoga and healing.  When we are relaxed, we can be present and aware.  When we are in a state of love, mental anxieties that cloud our mind dissolve.

When practicing yoga, whether engaged in a sequence of postures, a style of meditation, or singing a chant, the goal has always been the same: to relax, be present and open my mind, body and heart to experience love and wisdom directly.  This is empowering and liberating.  Motherhood has the potential to lay a foundation within for the same experience.  The trick is in our approach.

Giving birth was a scary idea to me when I first found out that I was pregnant.  I knew nothing then about the process of birthing.   When I was seven weeks pregnant, I mentioned to my doctor that I was scared to give birth.  “Oh, we can schedule you a c-section,” she said casually.

I ended up spending a lot of time during my pregnancy preparing for childbirth.  In my birthing classes I learned that it is often the mind that makes birthing difficult when it brings fear into the experience as this coincides with tightness in the body.  If a woman can stay relaxed and not resist what is happening in the moment, she allows her body to open.   Sounds like a yoga class:  “Relax, go with the flow.  Any limitation you feel is only in your mind.  You are strong and capable beyond measure…”

In the birthing classes, I learned how to relax and trust my body so that at the moment of birthing, my mind would allow my body to do what it perfectly knows how to do.  Birthing became a meditation where I let my thoughts, anxieties and fears go, and connected to my power; my shakti residing at the core of my being.

The Bliss and Love that followed is a yogi’s dream.

I chose to do a home birth with only Ryan and my midwife present.  After the preparation we had done in the previous months, by the time I went into labor, I was happy and excited.  I felt safe and relaxed.  In case of an emergency there was a major hospital ten minutes away from home.  With Ryan calm and steady by my side, I went deep inside myself and after nine hours Mila was born.  She crawled up my belly and began to nurse immediately.  I held her close and fell sound asleep.  The very first day of motherhood gave me the opportunity to overcome my mind and intimately feel the potential of my body.

If I would have gone with that first doctor’s advise to schedule a c-section, it would have been a way of breaking asteya, a Sanskrit word that means “to not obstruct someone's experience in a physical, spiritual or emotional sense.”   Asteya, like Satya mentioned in the previous blog, is part of the Yamas or inner disciplines which comprise the first limb of the eight-limb path of Ashtanga Yoga.   For doctors to encourage c-sections when there is no need or for women to let fear come in the way of experiencing natural childbirth – like I almost did - is taking away a profound experience.

I am grateful we have the medical technology today that is saving women’s and baby’s lives when intervention is needed during birth.   My own friend’s lives and baby’s lives have been saved thanks to modern medicine.  I have no idea if I will be able to give birth again naturally.  I am grateful that I had a pregnancy and birth free of complications.

Just like yoga - one day you do a pose with ease and the next day the same pose feels excruciatingly difficult.   We never know what the moment will bring.  "Watch things appear, watch them disappear and watch them reappear," said one of my yoga teachers, Larry Schultz.

I am proud of each of my friends whose births have all been completely different.  We cannot compare ourselves to each other as each of us has been in a unique situation in our lives and in our bodies.

I hope that all of us women take the time to educate ourselves on how the body births so that we can then make an informed choice based on our particular situation without letting fear or social pressures come in the way.

Questions that come to mind:

• When we deviate from our body’s natural path, how does this affect our physical and emotional connection with our feminine roots, our babies, families and world?
• How do we stay true to our natural inner rhythms that alternate between expansive creation and restorative retreat?

As the Celtics say, “To be spiritual is to be in rhythm.”

Thank you for joining me.

In Gratitude,

Reema

Homebirth, 3:30am, 5 cm dilated

Transparency

Transparency

Motherhood has brought yoga teachings to life for me.  My daughter, Mila is sixteen months old.  Being receptive to her wisdom and love helps me embrace the beauty and challenges of motherhood and realize some of yoga's most profound lessons.

I have created this blog to share my experiences and to also hear yours. Whether you are a Mother, Father, Uncle, Aunt, Grandpaernt or Parent-to-be, please join me. As we engage and support each other, we can help one another use parenting as the perfect platform that it is for spiritual growth.

I had been teaching yoga for 10 years before I had Mila.  I traveled to India, Europe, and across America in search of my perfect teacher.  One morning about two years ago, I was meditating and asking for my teacher to appear in my life.  I was praying that I could have the opportunity to be close to him/her.  Later that day, to my absolute surprise, I found out that I was pregnant.

Motherhood has brought to life so many of the teachings of yoga I was familiar with before having Mila.  One of the things Mila teaches me about is 

Satya

; complete truthfulness. 

Satya

 is found in the first limb of the classical eight-limb path of yoga.  Mila inspires me to be transparent with myself and others.  To be transparent is to embrace vulnerability, and this can be scary. Yet after watching Mila be so free in expressing whatever she is feeling in every moment for sixteen months, I am convinced that transparency is one of the most beautiful qualities one can have.

Mila beams with love and excitement to see me, and she screams with frustration when I don't understand her.  I wonder why I sometimes hesitate to show my love and affection to those that I am close to.  I wonder why I don't try hard enough to express my needs and to be understood.  I often hide my feelings; the good and the bad. I see that Mila never does. Mila is unbounded and grounded in her truth. She is completely present, and free of self-judgement and the mental anxieties that come with it. Whether she is laughing or screaming, her authenticity helps me understand her, and better love and serve her.

Sociologist Brene Bruno says, "Vulnerability is not a weakness.  To be honest and to let ourselves be seen is the most accurate measure of courage."

As I embrace this quality, I share my journey with you. Please freely write your comments below.

The original yoga teachings are life teachings, free of dogma and religious ties. Yoga practices are designed to create space in the mind, body, and heart so practitioners can open to peace, kindness, acceptance, truth, unconditional love, joy, stillness, and a wisdom that knows how reality works.  As yoga frees us of physical blocks and mental afflictions, each practitioner experiences these teachings directly from the heart, leading to ultimate freedom and empowerment.

How has being a parent contributed to your spiritual experiences and realizations?

More soon.

Thank you for joining me.

Namaste,

Reema